Saturday, September 25, 2010

I Am.

I am in a womb. The womb. The Womb of the Universe. Before everything that I know. When I was surrounded and covered by  fluid. My world, everything I know, is this space, this fluid, this flesh. There are no thoughts. There is no memory.

I am fluid.
The pulsation of the heartbeat of the universe vibrates around me. I am this pulse. There is no me without this beating sensation.

I can not breathe. I do not need to breathe. There is nothing to be breathed. There is no thought of not breathing. Breathing does not exist.

I desire nothing.
I am complete.
I am whole.
I am filled.
There is no room for more. Just this vibration, this fluid. This flesh.

I am naked.

I can not breathe. I do not need to breathe. There is nothing to be breathed. There is no thought of not breathing. Breathing does not exist.

I can not smell. There is nothing to smell. There is no lack of smelling. There is no thought of not smelling. There is no need to smell. I have no desire to smell.

I have not tasted. I can not taste. There is nothing to taste. There is no thought of not tasting. There is no lack of tasting. There is no need for food. I am nourished. I am full. Being fills me.

There is nothing to touch. I don't know touch. I don't desire touch. There is no thought of not touching.  I do not have any need to feel any thing outside me. Everything is me. Here.

Sound is muffled. It is received through fluid. Underwater. Sound turns to vibration. I am what I hear. Every sound is part of me.

There is no thought. I do not know what thought is. I do not know there is no thought. There is no thinking of lack of thought.

There is no memory. There is nothing to remember. There never was anything before this. This is all there is.

There is no emotion. There is no lack of emotion. Nothing is good. Nothing is bad. I am not indifferent.

I have no opinion. There is no need for opinion. I do not desire an opinion or the opinion of others.

There is no others. I am others. Others are me.

I do not sleep. I do not need sleep. When I sleep, I am awake. When I am awake, I am sleeping. I am sleep. I am awake.

There is nowhere I desire to go. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere outside of here. Everything is here. Here is nowhere.

There is nothing to be done. Nothing is done. Everything is done.

There is no time. There is no space. I am time. I am space. I am here forever. I am never here.

I do not have plans. There is nothing to plan for. Nothing is going to happen. Everything is happening. Now.

I Am.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Give her a chance

Im still angry. The anger has not gone away. Bhakti Fest was beautiful. I have realized that it was not the festival itself that caused such great liberation and lightness in my step, but rather my attitude. Because ultimately no material thing can be so wonderful. Its me that makes things wonderful.

If I believe it feels good, it does. And the truth is, I can make ANYTHING feel good. Being hit by a bus, felt good. Can you believe it? The second I was hit, it felt as though God had shed big warm silvery tears of happiness upon me. 

When I realized my feelings I started thinking... and it was my mind that made the completely conscious decision that "hey, you were just in a car wreck, you should NOT feel good." 

It was then that the hints of anxiety and fear replaced the happiness. There was no pain, there is still no pain. I stepped out of the car, and someone asked "are you okay?" and I thought to myself "Im completely okay", and then I made it real, by saying "YES". And then..... I was fine. Everything is fine.

My thought process has changed completely since the festival, since I was taught about manifestation. At first it was very subtle changes, I continued to say the same things I always had.... I just realized I was saying them, and then I stepped back from myself and took notes on the sort of things I was creating with my words and my mind. It was just a bunch of mental notes. "Ah-ha! there I go again... creating negativity..."

After a couple days I started catching my words before they exited my mouth, and changing them to the idea that I truly wanted. And I noticed life became lighter.

Then, I worked on changing my thoughts before I had them, when they were just little embryos of thoughts. I know now, that the more I think about the things I desire as though they were already mine, the easier it is to believe them. See, the more I manifest exactly what I want, the easier it is to believe I already have the things I want, because I know that they truly are already here. I already have what I want, even before I know I want it. It seems so confusing, I know, but its so very very simple.

If I believe I will receive.

Anyway, the original point of this post wasnt even about manifestation, (although everything is about manifestation), the point was that Im still angry.

Im still very angry for no viable reason, other than the obvious (Im dying). Its quite difficult to let go of myself. Its frustrating and scary. I was actually quite content and comfortable being me, I loved me.  Now Im dying... Im almost dead.

Unfortunately the person nearest to me gets the brunt of my anger. I take it out on him all day. I want to leave him. Lauren is dying, why is he still sticking around anyway? Isn't he just here for Lauren? Without her, who is he? 

At the same time, he is not dealing with my death very well. I think he is in denial still. Or maybe he has moved onto anger as well and he  does not even realize why he is angry. It is a little crazy that I was able to figure it out. 

Lauren was a great person.  She had a big heart and put up with all kinds of poor treatment, because she just wanted other people to be happy. She wanted to make lots of money and support her husband. She believed that she would always be disabled, but she had come to be okay with that. She believed she always needed medication, and therapy, but she dealt with that too. She would always have times where she hurt herself and everyone she loved, but it was not ever her intention. She was always so sorry. She had a lot of potential, but never really made anything happen. She had lots of dreams, but never really followed them. She painted beautiful paintings, but refused to let them out of her sight. Her life was small and simple. Her footprint was shallow. She wanted to help others, but was afraid of what it might take. Her love for everyone else outweighed her love for herself.

She wont be alive much longer. Pay your respects. She understands if your angry, if your sad, if you are in denial, but she would appreciate it if you made the transition from life to death as painless as possible for her. Bring her flowers, give her hugs, tell her bedtimes stories, let her die peacefully in your arms.

Once she is gone she wishes only the best for you. Please dont dwell on your loss, but rather be grateful for the time you spent with her, and she promises not to be angry when you fall in love with another woman. Your love for another woman will prove to her that she was an important part of your life. 

Dont hold back... LOVE. Love whatever comes next!! I know it is new and different, it is not what you are used to, but give it a chance. Lauren wants you to give it a chance. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It could have been worse, It could have been a train!!

This post should totally be about Bhakti Fest, my Epic adventures into Joshua tree and the man who inspired me to manifest myself a better destiny. Theres so much to write about there, Im just going to come back to that in another post. 

The last couple days I have been manifesting a second car for jeromy (A technique I learned from a very wise man I met last weekend, more on that later!). Because if Jeromy has his own vehicle that will allow me to be less attached to him and the things he is doing, so I will have greater ability to follow my own bliss. Sounds great eh? So why am I sitting here blogging about this? 

Well... after teaching an absolutely inspiring kids class that ended in a beautiful guided relaxation into a magic garden where we danced among the garden creatures, I got in my car and went to pull out of the parking lot. Then.. I got hit by a bus.

I know, I know, you think Im totally kidding. No, my car is completely wrecked,  and I just got back from the hospital. 

The thing is, Im fine. Better than fine even, I nearly feel better than I did before the wreck. Is it crazy of me to believe I manifested my car being totaled? Is this my first lesson in learning that it doesnt take a bit of money to get the things I want?

The accident was not my fault. I remember one thing clearly, and that is that I was just sitting there waiting to pull out, when BAM, the whole front of my car was ripped off. Wittnesses say it was the bus drivers fault, but police had a difficult time taking their word because I was told they were 'too angry to give a statement'. It was the Phoenix police department making a statement about a Phoenix bus driver. Of course they arent going to say it was his fault. I can see how it apeared to be my fault. Who are these people that think they can just decide something based on such little evidence anyway? What do they know, they werent even there.

The cops didnt give me a ticket. I really dont remember the details, I was pretty out of it. Ill find out more soon. I got a lawyer already. How strange is it that I had a number to a lawyer in my phone? 

I didnt allow anyone at the hospital to stick me with anything or put any drugs into my body. I just wanted to continue on with my day really, but they insisted on x-rays and such. 

The x-ray tech said I had the most beautiful lungs hes ever seen. :D

So I just got hit by a bus, but Im fine.  Ill be driving a rental car soon. Then maybe even a new car. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hari Om!

Less than 24 hours until Bhakti Fest!! The excitement is overwhelming! 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Somebody Pull the Plug

I woke up angry today. About what? Well, thats a great question, a great question that I may never have the answer to. Im not angry anymore, the sensation has passed, as always, but it was there.

I used to wake up sad. Depressed. In hate with myself. Not anymore, my depression era is over (as far as I know), but it seems to have been replaced with anger. Not just any old anger, not like 'I didnt get my way' anger, or 'I stubbed my toe' anger, but rather blood curdling screaming at the top of my lungs and ripping my hair out anger.

No need to fear, I would never do such things... its just a feeling.

Its funny, because it reminds me of something I learned in college. I took a class on Death. During that class we learned about grief, and we really looked deeply into the subject. We learned a lot about the emotions that occur during grief and how they all have to be gone through (Theres a strict list of grieving emotions!). They dont need to come or go in a particular order, but the theory is, that if you experience a death of someone (or something) in your life you WILL go though all of these emotions. And if, in fact, it is 10 years later and you have yet to experience one of them then you have avoided an important part of the grieving process. Do I believe in this? I dont know, it all seems a little hokey to me, I mean, everybody is different, but the point is that IM ANGRY.

So when I was looking deeper at my anger today and realizing how illogical it was I noticed that my list of illogical emotions is the same list of emotions that supposedly occur during the grieving process. So what does it mean?

Who died?

And then it hit me!!
I DID!!!

I have died!! Or else, perhaps I am in the process of dying?? I believe it is the latter. I wonder if it is possible to mourn my death before I am completely dead?

Now dont worry, Im not truely dying, in the literal sense of the word, but everything that once was me is definitely no more.

Everything I once used to define me is gone or at least on its way out.

The thing about grieving, is that it just has to be done. Theres no avoiding it. So this anger is necessary, I suppose. Its annoying, it does not feel as though it is serving me, it makes me want to swing my fists and stomp my feet.... Scream and cry, yell, kick and swear.

And so here I am, making a big scene. Throwing a tantrum. Wishing evil upon unsuspecting people. All in the name of my own death.

I know that Im not completely dead yet, thats the thing. Im positive, there is still more of me that must die. Its like that person that just lives a little too long... to a point where its almost uncomfortable to watch. Ya know? Youd just like to pull the plug and make it easier on everyone, but you cant. That wouldnt be right. You have to let nature run its course.

So here I am watching my near-dead-self decay, right before my eyes and its so sick. I cant believe Im still hanging on!! Just let go already! Stop fighting! Its no use!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Human Doings?

It must be the universe telling me to take a break. Ive been on overdrive the last 2 weeks. High on life. I just cant get enough (Wow, that totally reminds me of an amazing song, Ill post the video here later!)

Yesterday I waited by my phone for a call so I could sub... I waited and waited, but no call :(

I really wanted to work, how silly is that? Who wants to work this bad? Do other people sit around and hope their boss calls and tells them to come in? I guess this is how I know Im doing the right thing. But at the same time I need to remember to take care of myself.

I fell asleep on the couch yesterday (Something that hasnt occurred for 2 weeks now, miraculous eh?). It wasnt just any sleep, it was necessary for survival. My body just shut off, and said "HEY! Give me a break!" I woke up with my mouth open, drooling down the side of my face, like I had just been hit by a train. Thats exactly what I felt like too, as though I had been run over by 152 cars. Ugh.

As the night went on, I realized I was getting sick. My head felt as though it was swelling to 3 times its normal size, and my face felt all puffy and sore. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and a nose that seems to be running non stop. Okay Universe... Thank you. I get it, I understand. I cant just dive head first into something at 100 miles an hour, even if it is a pleasurable experience. Everything in moderation. Nothing in Excess.

Perhaps I was a little excited, enjoying life again is an exciting thing. I went from hating every minute of it to feeling as though there wasnt enough to go around. But there is... Theres plenty. Ive got to take my lessons from those kids and put them to use. "Slow down".... duh, or you'll run into something, like a sinus infection, for instance.

And yoga is great, but theres no need to go all the time, sometimes I just need to sit here and be with myself. Meditate, relax, breathe. Stop doing, and BE.

Heres a song that reminds me of my thoughts and feelings lately. I absolutely love this song and this band! They havent made a bad song yet.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Lately Ive been feeling pretty amazing. Ive had more energy than usual. Ive been going going going, all day long. I have a job, that I absolutely love, and Im back into yoga again. Ive begun to build my own path, different than my husbands. A path that I like walking on :)

I sub at The Foundation for the Blind where I feel like the kids teach me way more than I teach them. Every day I get to go to a different classroom and meet new kids, and everyday I fall in love all over again.  Every day is a learning experience, and learning is something I just cant get enough of. Every day is different, every kid is different, every classroom, and every teacher. It never gets boring and I love all of the kids so much for showing me what its like to be happy now.

What working with Children with multiple disabilities has taught me:

When Ive fallen down, get back up.

Smile while doing it. 

Fall in love with the little pleasures in life. Like the feeling of the sun on my face.

Everything in life has a feeling, a texture, a smell, and a vibration. 

What I look like doesnt make me who I am. 

My clothes don't define me. 

Ask questions.  

Dont make assumptions. 

Its okay to wiggle and squirm.

Anything is Possible.

Theres always another chance.

People do care.

The whether is a new experience every day, notice it.

Emotions can be heard.

Nothing is trivial.

My presence is important.

If not today, maybe tomorrow.

Say thank you.

Theres nothing to be embarrassed about.

Everyones best is different, and everyones best is equally good.

Art is not always to be looked at.

The best communication doesnt always require the use of a mouth.

Setbacks are opportunities for learning.

Success is relevant. 

Nobody needs to see my achievements in order for them to count.

Before I say an unkind word, think of someone who cant speak.

Before I complain about the taste of food, think of someone who cant eat.

Before I complain about my mom or dad, think of a foster child.

If I must say "I can't", add the word "yet".

Wash my hands, as if they were my eyeballs. 

Unless I try, Ill never know. 


Dont take things personally.

Hug strangers.


Trust other people.

Ask when I need help.

Specify my intentions.

Its okay to cry about nothing.

Food is not just for eating.

Naps happen.

People always like to be acknowledged.

Take risks.

Dont allow others to take advantage of me.

Cookies are always good.

Pay attention to details.

Slow down.

Be consistent. 

Sometimes all you can do is show up, and thats okay.

Dont take anything for granted.

The Music.
The Moment.
You Own it.
Dont Ever Let it Go.