Im still angry. The anger has not gone away. Bhakti Fest was beautiful. I have realized that it was not the festival itself that caused such great liberation and lightness in my step, but rather my attitude. Because ultimately no material thing can be so wonderful. Its me that makes things wonderful.
If I believe it feels good, it does. And the truth is, I can make ANYTHING feel good. Being hit by a bus, felt good. Can you believe it? The second I was hit, it felt as though God had shed big warm silvery tears of happiness upon me.
When I realized my feelings I started thinking... and it was my mind that made the completely conscious decision that "hey, you were just in a car wreck, you should NOT feel good."
It was then that the hints of anxiety and fear replaced the happiness. There was no pain, there is still no pain. I stepped out of the car, and someone asked "are you okay?" and I thought to myself "Im completely okay", and then I made it real, by saying "YES". And then..... I was fine. Everything is fine.
My thought process has changed completely since the festival, since I was taught about manifestation. At first it was very subtle changes, I continued to say the same things I always had.... I just realized I was saying them, and then I stepped back from myself and took notes on the sort of things I was creating with my words and my mind. It was just a bunch of mental notes. "Ah-ha! there I go again... creating negativity..."
After a couple days I started catching my words before they exited my mouth, and changing them to the idea that I truly wanted. And I noticed life became lighter.
Then, I worked on changing my thoughts before I had them, when they were just little embryos of thoughts. I know now, that the more I think about the things I desire as though they were already mine, the easier it is to believe them. See, the more I manifest exactly what I want, the easier it is to believe I already have the things I want, because I know that they truly are already here. I already have what I want, even before I know I want it. It seems so confusing, I know, but its so very very simple.
If I believe I will receive.
Anyway, the original point of this post wasnt even about manifestation, (although everything is about manifestation), the point was that Im still angry.
Im still very angry for no viable reason, other than the obvious (Im dying). Its quite difficult to let go of myself. Its frustrating and scary. I was actually quite content and comfortable being me, I loved me. Now Im dying... Im almost dead.
Unfortunately the person nearest to me gets the brunt of my anger. I take it out on him all day. I want to leave him. Lauren is dying, why is he still sticking around anyway? Isn't he just here for Lauren? Without her, who is he?
At the same time, he is not dealing with my death very well. I think he is in denial still. Or maybe he has moved onto anger as well and he does not even realize why he is angry. It is a little crazy that I was able to figure it out.
Lauren was a great person. She had a big heart and put up with all kinds of poor treatment, because she just wanted other people to be happy. She wanted to make lots of money and support her husband. She believed that she would always be disabled, but she had come to be okay with that. She believed she always needed medication, and therapy, but she dealt with that too. She would always have times where she hurt herself and everyone she loved, but it was not ever her intention. She was always so sorry. She had a lot of potential, but never really made anything happen. She had lots of dreams, but never really followed them. She painted beautiful paintings, but refused to let them out of her sight. Her life was small and simple. Her footprint was shallow. She wanted to help others, but was afraid of what it might take. Her love for everyone else outweighed her love for herself.
She wont be alive much longer. Pay your respects. She understands if your angry, if your sad, if you are in denial, but she would appreciate it if you made the transition from life to death as painless as possible for her. Bring her flowers, give her hugs, tell her bedtimes stories, let her die peacefully in your arms.
Once she is gone she wishes only the best for you. Please dont dwell on your loss, but rather be grateful for the time you spent with her, and she promises not to be angry when you fall in love with another woman. Your love for another woman will prove to her that she was an important part of your life.
Dont hold back... LOVE. Love whatever comes next!! I know it is new and different, it is not what you are used to, but give it a chance. Lauren wants you to give it a chance.