Saturday, September 4, 2010

Somebody Pull the Plug



I woke up angry today. About what? Well, thats a great question, a great question that I may never have the answer to. Im not angry anymore, the sensation has passed, as always, but it was there.

I used to wake up sad. Depressed. In hate with myself. Not anymore, my depression era is over (as far as I know), but it seems to have been replaced with anger. Not just any old anger, not like 'I didnt get my way' anger, or 'I stubbed my toe' anger, but rather blood curdling screaming at the top of my lungs and ripping my hair out anger.

No need to fear, I would never do such things... its just a feeling.

Its funny, because it reminds me of something I learned in college. I took a class on Death. During that class we learned about grief, and we really looked deeply into the subject. We learned a lot about the emotions that occur during grief and how they all have to be gone through (Theres a strict list of grieving emotions!). They dont need to come or go in a particular order, but the theory is, that if you experience a death of someone (or something) in your life you WILL go though all of these emotions. And if, in fact, it is 10 years later and you have yet to experience one of them then you have avoided an important part of the grieving process. Do I believe in this? I dont know, it all seems a little hokey to me, I mean, everybody is different, but the point is that IM ANGRY.

So when I was looking deeper at my anger today and realizing how illogical it was I noticed that my list of illogical emotions is the same list of emotions that supposedly occur during the grieving process. So what does it mean?

Who died?

And then it hit me!!
I DID!!!

I have died!! Or else, perhaps I am in the process of dying?? I believe it is the latter. I wonder if it is possible to mourn my death before I am completely dead?

Now dont worry, Im not truely dying, in the literal sense of the word, but everything that once was me is definitely no more.

Everything I once used to define me is gone or at least on its way out.

The thing about grieving, is that it just has to be done. Theres no avoiding it. So this anger is necessary, I suppose. Its annoying, it does not feel as though it is serving me, it makes me want to swing my fists and stomp my feet.... Scream and cry, yell, kick and swear.

And so here I am, making a big scene. Throwing a tantrum. Wishing evil upon unsuspecting people. All in the name of my own death.

I know that Im not completely dead yet, thats the thing. Im positive, there is still more of me that must die. Its like that person that just lives a little too long... to a point where its almost uncomfortable to watch. Ya know? Youd just like to pull the plug and make it easier on everyone, but you cant. That wouldnt be right. You have to let nature run its course.

So here I am watching my near-dead-self decay, right before my eyes and its so sick. I cant believe Im still hanging on!! Just let go already! Stop fighting! Its no use!




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