Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Jesus Pie

To Whom it May Concern,

I really didn't want to post.
I was telling myself I had nothing of value to say.... today.

Then I realized I was sitting here googling a very long chain of random useless mind-numbing lies.
What am I doing? How did I get sucked in!? Eck!

Oh! And somewhere in there I read the most striking blogpost. It was deep. 
So deep, It made me feel shallow.
Thats DEEP.

God, I love chicks that can write, from the deep down dirty places inside themselves. Its a rare talent.
Im on the lookout for these girls. Let me know if you find any more.

That blogpost made me realize that Im not being 100% honest with you. I haven't been intentionally holding back, but I suppose I didn't realize the level of insane that I could be..... here. 

Now that I know, I guess its a free for all, eh? Cant wait to go there.


So when's good for you? 
Im free now.... How about you?

Good.

Lets begin.

I have no idea what Im doing.
But I think thats all stemming from the brutal wake up call I've had recently, that I can DO whatever the hell I want.

Yeah, imagine that.
Nobody is stopping me.
I have options. 

It came as a surprise to me... Really.

It was like I had my hand on a pie made from the ashes of Jesus Christ Himself.
GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH mixed with what-the-hell-am-I-doing?
This pie is so delicious....as well as insanely intimidating.
Would it be a sin to eat this?
If I didnt eat it, would I die with regrets...about not knowing the sweet taste of Jesus?

Yeah, Im getting carried away. What Im saying is, life is good. Its real good. 
I've got options.

And I know what I want. A very broad sense of it, anyway.

Even scarier, I know exactly how to get it.

Crap.

I also know what I don't want. I don't want to die not having tasted the Jesus Pie. 

I know my Purpose. I also know why they call it a "Higher Purpose", cause when you are living it, you feel high. There is no drug replica of this feeling.

I've shifted. From being afraid, to being Terrified.  
Yeah.

I have words to say. I have people to help. I know something huge is about to take over. I feel it.

Im just waiting.
Being Open. Being Honest.


I've even  tried to force it. Cause Im human, and Im impatient.


It fails every time.

You cant force LIFE. 

Sometimes I get sucked back into my old ways. For just a second I get wrapped up in the idea that I need money, 'success' and nice abs. That money is easy to get wrapped up in. Its a downward spiral. Same with the abs.

Sure, I need money, but Ive made good money in the past, and those were my darkest days. Its clear my Purpose is NOT money. 


Yet Ive sought money and success like my head was on fire.
And in the end, it Sucked.
Astronomical Amounts of Sucking were involved.  

On the cold wet pavement, in a dark alley somewhere, all alone, sucking my thumb. Thats what money felt like. A complete travesty.

Lately I've been pursuing this other thing... Art, Love, Philosophy, Yoga... Inspiring others, and Writing. 


Ya know what?  It doesn't pay.

Ya know what else? No Sucking involved whatsoever. 

Zero.

I feel ALIVE

 I want to take a big juicy bite out of life and let it drip off my jowls. 

Grrrr!!

Sincerely,
Me
(When did this turn into a letter?)



PS- Suck it, Money.






5 comments:

  1. holy shit!! how'd you get inside my head? LOL!

    i'm in PRECISELY the same spot myself...having that vague notion of Awesome, but nothing more than that. it's driving me nuts. and no, you can't force it...my head has met that brick wall more than a few times...

    yeah...money sucks. although a teensy bit more would be mighty handy right about now....

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  2. Yeah, we certainly need some money, but I cant go around making it a priority or Ill forget whats important.

    Maybe You are inside MY head? Ya never know.

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  3. *laughs* I love the end, mostly because I have drained all my accounts working on the stuff I launched this week, and I've been a nervous wreck. What if no one takes my class? What if I don't get clients? What if I do a horrible job? What if, what if, what if!

    Going out on a limb is HARD, but worth it.

    And you know what? You'll never know if you can write DEEP, honest, soulful, wonderful, unless you TRY. Write every day. Do poems in your journal. Doodle. Let things flow. Sometimes, it helps me if I'm writing a letter to someone. But it DOES get easier and you CAN do it!

    Can't wait for Friday! We'll chat then!

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  4. Samie, I know what the nervous wreck part feels like for sure, but I think Im on to something with this whole idea that if it doesn't make you nervous it simply isn't worth doing.

    Cant wait till Friday too! See that canvas in the picture above? Yeah, thats the one I bought for our adventure! pffft. See how nicely that worked out? HA!

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  5. You've inspired me in many ways, and, as I learn to let myself relax and walk away from the trappings and demands of "greater society", I find a peace I used to know. I knew it when I would ride my bike for hours on end. I knew it when I would go running,(yes, I used to run). I knew it when I would climb or hike. Somewhere, like many others, I forgot it. I became overcome with the rat race. The need to have more things, better things. The need to establish myself through what I owned, not who I was. Now, With your help, I'm relearning and rediscovering life. So, from the very soul of me, I Thank you for being my guide. Even if you didn't know you are.

    ReplyDelete

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The Moment.
You Own it.
Dont Ever Let it Go.