Sunday, February 6, 2011

Not So Super Bowl

Super Bowl, not so Super for me. 

Im not so into Sports.

Mostly because my competitiveness is a bit overwhelming. I have a problem in the area of sports-like competition. Im that child that threw a tantrum when she lost at Chutes and Ladders. 

Im an only child.

As in: Only Me
Nobody else.
Got that?

I was all I had.

And when I lose, I throw the controller across the room, and scream "I PUSHED JUMP!". (My father will testify to this.)

When met with the challenge of another I stand strong and fierce, 
I am always ready to fight, to the death.

My determination to Be the Best has nearly been the death of me on more than one occasion.

Im a bad loser.

I've worked on this for years now. I've worked on being okay with not winning.

From the longest time I just had to sit on the sidelines... of life. That was pretty much the first step of recovery.

 Because I did not have the capacity to Live without the competition.
So I just sat out. And I felt the burn of others winning.

Over and over and over.

It has been a LONG journey. One that has caused enough fire inside me to burn up the entire Universe. 

But, slowly. So.. very... VERY slowly, my capacity to surrender to showing-up-exacly-as-I-am has grown.

I am nearly able to participate in everything now.

Except Sports. 

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